An overflow of passion (not just the conference)

God is good. All the time.

My heart is experiencing such a fullness of joy that I don't even know exactly where to begin. I guess it makes sense to pick up where I left off. 

01.06.15 
A Tuesday. This was one of the most emotionally and mentally draining days. I'm not sure why, really. I was exhausted, readjusting to school and freezing temperatures. I was thinking about every aspect of life and second-guessing my current decisions and future plans. I was beginning to wonder if being at this school was a waste of time, money, and effort. I spent a good percentage of this day in tears, another in prayer, the rest on the phone seeking wisdom from my dearest loved ones. I no longer felt an entire sense of peace. I was doubting and questioning and longing to figure out life, even though I am reminded again and again that it doesn't just become clear at once. Regardless, I wanted a step in the right direction, and I didn't want to misstep.

I'd talked with my roommate during the day about my rising stress levels over my plan of studies, I'd conversed and poured out my frustrations and confusions and second-guessing doubts to my parents and Noah and my grandma, seeking their advice, wisdom, and direction. That night I sat on a couch in a vacant dorm room down the hall, hearing my grandma ask the Question.

"Well, honey, what are your passions?"

Yikes. That's the question I've always hated. My passions?

"Um, well, that's what's been frustrating me, Grandma. I feel like I don't really have any passions."

I thought about it and explained to her that I love writing and I love people. Especially kids. So I guess if those are considered passions, it's writing and people. That's my answer. 

But I felt like that wasn't enough. I wanted something more.

I wanted a big cause or some kind of movement; something to work toward, something to support. I wanted a passion that was big and important. 

But taking this little bit that I did know, I looked at where I am. Okay, so I love people and relationships and writing. Long story short, after praying and discussing and lots of thought, I decided to walk away from my plans of a radio performance minor and into a children's ministry minor. Guess what? With that decision, my heart began to feel the peace it had been missing. 

01.14.15 
It's Wednesday night. I know the next day I'm most likely gonna have to pull an all-nighter, preparing to leave Friday morning at 3 am for the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I plan to get to bed at a decent time to get some extra sleep to make up for the inevitable lack of it over the weekend. It's already almost eleven, and just as I finish some homework and get ready to quick look over my notes for a quiz the next day, my roommate casually walks over to the futon and asks the Question. 

"Hey Rys, what are your dreams?"

Ohh boy. 

"Uhm... That's a tough question. My dreams...? It's bad, but honestly, I don't really know."

I told her what I'd told my grandma, the few things you could say I'm passionate about. "I just really love God and people, I guess. That sounds so cliche."

She posed the question again. 

"What are the desires of your heart?"

Yikes. Not having an immediate answer, I threw the question back on her.

"I dunno exactly... What about you?"

She whipped out a list and started explaining her hopes and dreams and desires to further God's kingdom, plans to rescue young girls from slavery, to bring hope to the lost, to see human trafficking come to an end. Big dreams.

And that's when it hit me.

I've been trying too hard and looking in all the wrong places. All this time I've been worried about not having something I'm passionate about. I've been turning to the internet, to already planned and set, pre-established, dreams by-the-book. In this moment, God just hit me with the force of a bus. That's not what it is to dream. It was like He just tapped me on the shoulder and said, C'mon, Rys, you know Me better than that. I'm capable of way more than you could ask or imagine. I'll give you the desires of your heart. Just dare to dream big, k? Trust Me on this."

That challenged me to dream. It also led to Hannah and me staying up till nearly 2 am talking about God and life. So much for sleep. Anyway, that night brought me one step closer to passion. One step closer to peace.

01.15.15 
It's a Thursday. One of my new friends that I met through radio shared her life story in chapel (she has an incredible story). Part of her testimony included being impacted by students and members of our campus while growing up in the local community. That stuck with me. I felt a little nudge, a little spark of passion. Hmm. Maybe I'm supposed to reach out to the community where God has me. I held on to the thought and decided to tuck it away for later.
  
01.17.15 (Part 1)
Now we're at Passion (the actual conference). It's Saturday. Lecrae is bringing it. He shares this story about tee shirt shopping in Beverly Hills (something I have no desire to do—a $640 tee shirt? Nah, I'm good). But seriously, he found this $640 tee shirt. He asked one of the workers what the deal was, if this was some sort of special fabric or something, and the guy was just like, "nope, it's just cotton... But it's the designer, the name brand... that's what makes it so valuable." Lecrae used the illustration in comparison to our value based on the fact that God is our creator, we carry His name. He went on to explain that as the moon doesn't shine on its own, but reflects the light of the sun, so we are to reflect the glory of God. There's some purpose right there. 

Then comes Christine Caine, serving a holy slap in the face that was right on target. She called us to pick up the plow and willingly get to work out in the field. She reminded us that we have a mission field wherever we are; she also said some really great thing about having a calling, not a career. If someone asks what we do for a living, the greatest answer to that question is the purpose we were placed here on this earth for—living to serve and love and to make Christ known. More purpose. My mind is starting to soften, slowly transforming. 

01.17.15 (Part 2)
It's Saturday night. Over 12,000 college students are gathered in a dimly-lit basketball arena. A circle of passionate worship leaders gather in a circle at center-stage. To begin a night of laid back, acoustic, intimate worship, they open with a hymn. Not just any hymn.

It is Well.

Yes. The song that settled my soul when I first decided to come to this school last spring. The song that again brought me peace my first weekend here in the fall, when I struggled to adjust and get used to this new home away from home. And now, the song that again settles my soul after a time of second-guessing, doubt, and God shining light and opening my eyes in new ways, opening doors and stirring the beginnings of new passions and dreams. Yes.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say: It is well, it is well, with my soul.

01.19.15
Today. Monday. After getting to bed after 3 am, considerably lacking sleep, waking up at 8:30, I am driving back to school. With worship music in the background, I chat with God. I ask Him for more dreams, to instill within me dreams greater than anything I could ever imagine. I ask Him for a picture, an image, of what I am.

The image that pops into my head? Disco ball.

I almost laugh. What? A disco ball?

Silence. 

I ponder. Yes, a disco ball. The tiny mirrors, covering every angle of the sphere. Shining; shimmering; reflecting. Yes, always reflecting. As long as there is light, reflecting. Reflecting every shade of every color of every stream of light.

Who would have thought? A disco ball. That's not what I expected. But what better to be? Because as long as I am in the Light, I will not cease to reflect. In this moment, the desire of my heart is nothing more than to reflect every facet of Him. Every fruit, every color, every detail. Always bearing His name. Always reflecting His love, His grace, His joy. 

Always joy. That's the other thing I felt compelled to this weekend. A deep desire for joy. A longing to be filled to the top and overflowing with joy. Bubbling over with joy. Pure joy that is only found in Him. 

Do I have it all figured out? Ha! No way. It wouldn't be an adventure if I did. Nor would it require faith. But I have returned to that place of peace. Again I can say, it is well with my soul. Tonight I am thanking God for moments orchestrated by Him in ways I can't comprehend, for the refreshment of my soul, and for the dreams and passions that are only just beginning. And in this moment, that is enough. Christ is enough. It is well.

"Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4