Show me how to love

It's been awhile, huh?

It seems that finding making time to write is a rarity around here, but as I was getting ready before bed, I got to thinking.

Once a week I have the pleasure of hanging out with some pretty cool kids from the Vern and get to share with them the love and attention they deserve (but might not always get). Today my patience was wearing thin and I found myself extremely frustrated with several boys who were not only acting up and not cooperating (which is understandable after being in school all day), but were being downright mean and disrespectful to another child without a second thought (which I could not tolerate). In the chaos of my time with these kids today, I was frustrated with the boys and thought to myself it's just really hard to love them right now. Tonight as I thought back on my day, I began to wonder. 

How often do I make God feel that way?

I thought about the days when God's probably like "man, what's her problem, why doesn't she get it?" How often is He disappointed in the way I represent Him, love Him, and love others? Thankfully He loves us unconditionally; I don't know if God's patience can be stretched, but if it can, I'm sure I've done a great deal of stretching it. I'm so grateful that even when it's sometimes a struggle to love others, God continues to demonstrate what it looks like to love others unconditionally, all the time. He shows us how to love—even those who rub us the wrong way, even those who stretch our patience, even the ones who threaten us, even those who seem unlovable. 

Even refugees. 

Now before I continue, let me explain. I am one of the least knowledgeable people to even voice an opinion on this hot topic. I have never been a political guru or current events expert. Unfortunately, I do a horrible job of keeping up to date on the news, especially at school (no matter how much I try), and I honestly know very few details about everything that's up for debate. I'm the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs; I'm not typically one to dive right into sticky debates and controversial issues. And I definitely don't know enough about the situation to tell anybody what to do about it. All I know, is there are lost people in need of a loving Savior. And I don't know about you, but I know a loving Savior.

In listening to people's opinions and thinking about it for myself, God brought a few things to my attention. 

No matter our suspicions, no matter our concerns, God loves each and every one of those souls with the same love, to the same extent, that He loves us. No difference. When He looks at the refugees, He sees a son or daughter whom He created and knows intricately and loves relentlessly. His heart breaks for the lost and hurting. Shouldn't ours do the same? Who are we to call someone unworthy of the love of God? Who are we to withhold that love from another human being? 

Now hear me out. I'm not saying that it's wrong to be concerned about safety and the well-being of those entrusted to us. It's natural and wise to be looking out for the well-being of one another. I'm not saying we should act out of naivety or stupidity. But should heaven forbid God to call us to do something irrational? Something that wasn't completely safe?

I mean, think of Jonah. Man, I see why that guy ran. God called him into the midst of a nasty, chaotic, out-of-control, unstable, dangerous situation. Sound familiar? But look at the revival God brought through that one man. Now think of the revival God could bring through an entire nation, if only it was willing to walk in faith and mirror the love and truth of Jesus Christ. 

When Jesus walked on the earth, He didn't call us to walk daintily through fields of wildflowers, frolicking about within the confines of our comfort zone. Instead, He gives us this command:

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" [Matthew 16:24-26]

I invite you to ask yourself this question, and answer it as honestly as possible.

When was the last time you've poured out all your strength to take that big, rugged, heavy 'ole cross upon your shoulders and lug it around for Christ?

I dunno about you, but when I read that, I immediately felt guilty. Have I ever done something worthy of that description? Would I be willing to lay down my life in order for someone else to know Jesus?

Maybe it's time we stop worrying about living in safety, but instead focus on living in love. No, I don't know exactly what that looks like. And yes, that freakin' terrifies me. I love being comfortable, and it scares me to think about welcoming the unknown and loving lavishly as Jesus loves. Because sometimes loving radically looks like making sacrifices or taking risks or living in obedience and faith even when we can't see the end result. But oh the joy—can you imagine?—if, when we all get to heaven, so many more souls would be there rejoicing and worshiping our Creator alongside us, simply because we dared to live boldly out of faith that God will take care of us and use us to further His kingdom? Just imagine, people. 

I firmly believe that walking in obedience to God is the best place for His people to be. When we are totally dependent on Him, He will come through. And rest assured, because "whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" [Psalm 91:1]. I can't even begin to imagine the countless ways He would use us if we'd only just let Him.

May we learn to love like Christ, the One who selflessly sacrificed His life for us, so that we may live and love through Him.

"Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." [Luke 12:32]

ps—I encourage you to make this your prayer today:

Great is Thy Faithfulness

And so it begins... Year two.

Part of me can hardly believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was moving into college for the first time. Transitions are always difficult at first, but the other day I found myself really thankful for seasons, both physically and emotionally in all aspects of life. While thinking about this, I learned something: Seasons produce a type of gratitude that stagnation simply does not ignite. The little things I love and take for granted become so much more special when they don't occur 24/7, all year 'round. Seasons give way to new perspectives, insights, and growth.

Coming back to school, I find myself excited to experience all that God has in store for me over this next year. Thinking back to last August, it is crazy to recall all that God has done in my life in the past twelve months. Last year this time I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what God had in store for me during my freshman year of college. He continued to blow my mind and open doors and lead me in the right direction one step at a time.

Last year, from my very first evening at the Naz, the hymn It is Well became the refrain of my year. It marked moment after moment and acted as a clear reminder of God's sovereignty and love and that He's got me in His arms. Lately, time and again He has been revealing to me and reminding me of His faithfulness, His character and the truth that He neither leaves us nor forsakes us, no matter how far we stray or how badly we blow it. As I was walking outside tonight, the hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness ran through my mind. And I realized this just might be my song for Year Two.

I don't always do a great job of loving God. I get selfish, I think of me and only me, I forget all that He has done for me, I take the people He's given me for granted, I take His grace for granted, I act like a brat, and I mess up. But He's been showing me that through the ups and downs, despite my moods and selfishness, even when I've doubted His plans and let worry creep in, He remained faithful. He is always faithful.

What JOY that should instill in our hearts. The God of the universe, Who is the only constant in this crazy, messed up, whirlwind we call life, never leaves our side. He is always there, holding out His hand for us to take, no matter how many times we've hurt or rejected or disobeyed Him. He's still calling our name; He's still welcoming us with open arms; He's still whispering "I love you, My child;" He's still longing for us to simply take his hand.

Goodbyes are never easy. I am an extremely sentimental person and therefore hate them with a passion. But tonight, as I sat at my desk, the sounds of summer and crickets and happy voices mixed with the distant strumming of a ukulele drifting through the window, my heart found peace, contentment, and even joy. God takes pleasure in His people. He delights in them and appreciates their friendship. As I transition into another year, a new chapter filled with blank pages in which God will continue to write my story, I am thankful that I do not walk alone. I am thankful for the wonderful people He has given me to love and do life with. I am thankful for His faithfulness, for His constant companionship, and for His love. Oh how good it is to be loved by the God Who created me and knows everything about me and still loves me more than I could ever begin to imagine. Tonight, after another long, exhausting move-in day, I am thanking God through damp eyes and a full heart.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou for ever will be

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Unexpected wisdom from instrumental music and purple giraffes

I'll keep this short and sweet (just like finals week!!).

As I sit here in the library, writing the eleventh page of my paper, I am listening to a random instrumental music playlist on Spotify. A moment ago, I glanced down to look at the song title (I'm not really sure why I did this, because I haven't recognized any of these chill instrumentals so far), and the song was titled What You Love You Must Love Now. Regardless of the fact that the song didn't have words, the album art was strange (it consisted of an animated drawing of purple giraffes and some odd snake monster creature), and I'd never heard it before, the title stuck out to me.

What You Love You Must Love Now. 

And as I pondered over it for several minutes, I was like, "hey, that's really true." This moment is all that we're given and whatever we love, we have to love now while we still have the opportunity, before time runs out and we miss out on the opportunity. Even on the mundane Mondays, in the midst of the hectic pace of life, or when you think you're too busy studying or working or just being busy, take the time to love what you love, and to love WHO you love. Because love is the GREATEST, and what better time to love than now?

Happy Monday, y'all... enjoy the now.

It's been a good year

I feel like my blogging habits tend to frequent the late-night hours of life when my thoughts come alive and the words spill out. With only a week left of my freshman year of college, I've been thinking back a lot on the year, taking note of the ways I've grown and changed and pausing to remember all God has been doing in my life. 

It almost feels like ages ago since move-in day when I sat in this exact same position on this futon, around this very time of night after a long, exhausting, emotionally draining day. Oh, how things have changed since then. So many new friendships have been formed, memories made, and lessons learned. 

The past few days I've been thinking a lot about these past eight months, remembering the adventures, frustrations, laughter and tears, memories, long days and late nights. As I recalled the many events of the year, I began to form ESPN-esque lists in my head. 

First came the Top Ten moments and memories of my freshman year...

11. (I added one because I remembered how fun it was) Talking on the phone with my cousin at three in the morning to kick off finals week simply because I was still wide awake and we hadn't talked in forever
10. Getting to be Casey Cougar for an MVNU event (even though the mascot suit was waaaay too big for this girl and I looked like a wrinkled bulldog)
9. Getting to be a part of WNZR, even if only for a short time, and having the opportunity to be a live DJ... Although it was a great experience, another favorite moment was the clear direction to leave radio behind
8. Getting to travel to Washington, D.C. over fall break with the honors program (and similarly to #9, the clarity and peace that later came with recently opting out of honors)
7. God's clear direction and Him leading me into children's ministry
6. The opportunity to work for MVNU Admissions and the great, great people I am blessed to work with
5. Getting plugged into a LifeGroup and the laughs, Jesus talks, memories, and friendships I formed through this group (oh, and when Hannah almost killed Ben's dog...)
4. Being a part of PB&J Club and making a bunch of new little friends that I get to hang out and share the love of Christ with
3. Road tripping with some of my friends to IWU to visit Noah for the weekend
2. The adventurous LifeGroup leaders retreat weekend
1. Spontaneous late night Jesus talks with Kendra and Hannah

And since life isn't perfect, here's the Not Top Ten...

10. Seeing Darian in my yoga pants at the Halloween party
9. The creepy centipede that came in our room and we made Kendra kill for us
8. The really cold weather and having to walk to class in super negative temps
7. Missing my home church
6. The one really crappy day I had last November when I was in a terrible mood and nothing seemed to be going right
5. The times I stressed out too much over what I'm doing with my life
4. The one night I showered sometime after midnight and a spider decided to join me (long story short, I showered with him watching me, until he fell on the floor and I jumped out of the shower with shampoo suds still in my hair)
3. Getting in an accident and totaling my car (even though God is super good and we were all okay and everything worked out)
2. Learning to be patient (I guess this is sorta good... But in the moment it kinda sucks)
1. Getting sick and throwing up when you're at school and not at home

I'm probably missing a lot in between, but that at least sort of sums it up. This year has been a great one, and I'm reminded on a daily basis how blessed and thankful I am that God led me to this school. There is such peace in knowing without a doubt that I'm right where He wants me to be. As the year draws to an end, I'm left with a heart of gratitude for God's faithfulness, His unending love and grace, and for every moment of my freshman year.

The guy called Barabbas

The other day at the end of one of my classes, one of my classmates jumped up and asked if she could play a video for us. She did, and God hit me with it. The Easter story is one of those stories that I've heard so many times that I forget to let the details sink in. This video led me to muse over one of the details that simply had never crossed my mind before.

Barabbas.

The character briefly mentioned in the crucifixion story; the bad guy; the sinner; the one who was freed when Jesus was killed; the one I inwardly despise as I read the story because he didn't deserve to be freed, and Jesus didn't deserve to die.

I honestly never thought twice about Barabbas. I never wondered what happened to him after he was freed, who his family was, or why he did what he did. I never viewed the cross of Christ from his perspective. And I certainly never considered the similarities between him and me.

This video hit me with a truth as real as the empty tomb. We often dub Barabbas the worst of the worst. But hey, I'm just as bad as he is. I think we all are. I mean, I've sinned against God. I've blatantly disobeyed Him and selfishly done what my selfish human self wants to do; at times, I've basically told Him that I can take care of myself and that I don't really need Him. Ouch.

But then there's this "wow" part. Watching this video, it hit me. Jesus could have saved Himself, but He let Barabbas go free instead. Because Jesus loves Barabbas. Jesus loves Barabbas as much as He loves me. He loves me as much as He loves Barabbas. He died for us both, to free us both, because He loves us both more than we could ever imagine. Like, wow.

I don't wanna keep talking here, I wanna let the video speak for itself. God is a loving God, full of redemption and grace. Nothing we could ever do could make Him love us any more or any less. He wants us; all of us. He wants to take our junk and our baggage; He wants to shower us with love and fill our hearts with joy; He wants to make us like Him; He wants to give us life.

I invite you to open up your heart and let Him. Accept that freedom. Because He laid down His life so that we could live and be free. You, and me, and Barabbas.

A crazy day of grace, God, and miracles

Honestly, I was sort of hesitant to write this at first. Or at least to share it. But the more I thought about it, the more evident it became that God's hand was over us this weekend, and so I'm trusting Him to use this in some way or other. If nothing else, it'll be beneficial for myself to reflect and let the events of this weekend sink in.

This weekend was really good. It was refreshing and adventurous and I got to be reunited with some incredible people. It didn't quite end the way I'd planned. But then again, when freak things happen, you usually don't make room for them in your schedule.

So this is what went down. Two good friends and I were visiting Noah and some friends at IWU for the weekend, so we drove out and enjoyed our time together with lots of laughs and memories. It was great. We enjoyed each other's company and it was definitely good to see Noah again. Seriously, we had a blast.

Then Sunday came. Yesterday is officially going down in the books as one of the weirdest, most bizarre days of my life. The plan was to go to church with Noah, come back, and head out right away to beat the snow and weather that was supposed to come in the afternoon.

I woke up feeling strange; my stomach was unsettled, I felt weak and exhausted, and I couldn't figure out exactly why. During church, I literally felt like I could almost pass out, so Noah took me back and made me lay down and rest up for an hour or so, so I'd hopefully be feeling better by the time we were ready to go. I laid down and I could not completely relax; I couldn't stop my body from trembling. We came to the conclusion that I was lacking energy and was partially dehydrated. Noah ran and got me some Gatorade, which helped a little bit.

My two friends came back after church and we were gonna get ready to go. By this point I had some more fluids in me and was starting to feel at least slightly better. Noah had asked that I'd let one of my friends drive the first leg of the trip just to be safe, to let me rest up and feel better before I started driving. Setting my normal stubbornness and determination aside, I agreed and handed over the keys to one of my friends.

We said our goodbyes through giant snowflakes and dropping temperatures (both of which came faster and sooner than was anticipated after checking the weather and planning ahead), and then at approximately 11:45, we were off with me in the passenger seat. We had to stop in town on our way out to grab some food, and when we stopped, I offered to drive since I was starting to feel better after getting on the road and drinking some more Gatorade. Not to mention the roads were starting to get to that annoying slushy stage and the snow continued to fall, and I felt bad making her drive through that.

Before we headed back out, I sent Noah a text to let him know I was feeling a bit better and was gonna be driving. I got his response at 12:07, but only glanced at it quickly before heading on our way. Not until later did I take the time to actually think about what he'd said and let that resonate with me. I'll come back to that later.

After a few minutes we got to the highway, followed a huge semi truck up the ramp, and merged in with the traffic. I was thrilled to see that the roads weren't bad—wet, but not snowy or slushy, so I wasn't worried. 

Less than a minute after getting onto the highway, it happened. 12:19.

In one of those freaky, all-at-once yet somehow in slow-motion moments, a car came crashing into the back of mine, sending us toward the truck. Turning to avoid slamming into the truck, we went down the bank, into a field, and through a barbed-wire fence, somehow ending up facing the direction from which we came. 

Once we came to a stop, the three of us looked at each other, faces full of shock and amazement. As soon as we realized we were all okay, I scrambled for my phone. "I need to call Noah. I need to call Noah." Somehow I was able to at least somewhat calmly explain what happened. He was glad to hear we were okay, and told me he was coming to get us.

We sat there for a moment, looking at each other in awe, when my friend gasped from the backseat. "Guys," she said. "I just realized I wasn't wearing my seat belt." 

She was sitting in the corner of the car that got hit. 

"I totally forgot and just didn't think about it when we left. But it's weird, I felt like something was holding me back." 

Back to Noah's text. Only 12 minutes before the accident, he had sent "Please please be safe Maryssa. I'm praying for safe travels. God's Angels are watching over your car."

Tonight as I reread that message, I got chills. I knew without a doubt that he was right. Because by the grace of God, we didn't hit the semi, we somehow didn't roll or flip the car, and Jamie was unscathed by the impact of the accident. I'd say His angels were with us alright. His presence was definitely all around us.

I needed to call my parents, and thus began the frantic calling frenzy. I couldn't get ahold of anyone in my family for nearly an hour. I called my dad multiple times, my mom, my brother, my home phone, with no luck. I then proceeded to call my grandpa, several friends, a family friend, my youth pastor and his wife, and my pastor and his wife, doing anything I could to get in contact with my family. Eventually, I finally figured out where they were and my dad finally answered the phone. Thank God he was calm as I explained everything to him. Like Noah, he was just thankful we were all okay.

After an hour of waiting, I realized our quick, fast food lunch was scattered across the car and I'd been sitting on soggy, greasy fries for an hour. But I couldn't have cared less. We were safe. 

While we had to wait on the cop to talk with the other vehicles on the other side of the road, we had to watch Noah sitting up in his car along the side of the road. I can't say how scary it was watching the cars move past him from our perspective, not being able to judge their distance from his car. Every time a semi passed him, I couldn't help but cringe.

Eventually, the cop came back and explained that my car needed towed but that we were free to go with Noah and could pick up our things later. So we trekked up the bank, climbed into the car, and headed back to town. The snow was still coming down, harder now, and we began to discuss our options. My parents suggested meeting us halfway that afternoon, but considering the weather (it was supposed to get significantly worse throughout the afternoon and evening) and the fact that we still had to retrieve our belongings from my car, that didn't look like a very good idea.

Noah asked if we'd be okay to miss our Monday classes, and he said he'd rather call off his student teaching to drive us all the way back to school in the morning, after the nasty weather passed.

Meanwhile, I was told to take everything out of my car in case it was totaled, so we loaded Noah's car up and headed back to IWU for the night.

We spent the afternoon resting and taking it easy. When Noah's roommates got back, they were surprised to see us there. One jokingly said, "This is an answer to prayer... I prayed that I'd get to see you all again soon... it's a MIRACLE!" We all laughed, and although he said it simply in jest, looking back over the events of the day, yesterday was pretty miraculous. So many things could've gone quite differently. It could have been so much worse than it was. Seriously though... How miraculous that we didn't hit the semi, that we didn't flip, that Jamie didn't get hurt or ejected without a seat belt, that this happened only 25 minutes away from Noah, that no one was seriously injured.

Throughout the night we learned of many prayers that had been lifted on our behalf throughout the morning; we were blessed by understanding professors; we were encouraged by kind words of friends and classmates and families; we were welcomed by the hospitality of new friends; we were grateful for safety.

I was also reminded of the blessing God's given me in Noah. He showed nothing but selfless love to me and my friends all weekend. From taking care of me when I didn't feel well, to being there to pick us up after the accident and making sure we were taken care of and okay, to setting aside his schedule and offering to drive eight hours to make sure we got back to school safely, I was again blown away by his heart. I'm so thankful for him.

At the end of the day yesterday, my heart was simply full of thankfulness. Exhaustion, too. But mostly thankfulness. I found myself thankful that I lived through another day. Thankful for the lives of my two friends. Thankful for the reminder that God's not finished with us yet. Thankful for the opportunity to be held in Noah's tight embrace again. Thankful for the opportunity to hear my family's voices. Thankful for another chance to say "I love you." 

Those three words really can't be said enough. I've learned that much in the past 48 hours. 

God is good. There is power in prayer. And He is in control in all things. What a bittersweet reminder that He is always good, always full of grace. Tonight I am thanking Him for the reminder that each day is a gift, not a guarantee. So please, please tell someone you love them. And thank God. Tell Him you love Him. Thank Him for your loved ones. Thank Him for today. Because today is a gift. A pretty big, miraculous gift from the One Who loves us more than our hearts can comprehend. To Him be the glory.

This was taken right before we left IWU Sunday morning. Little did we expect to be back so soon. I'm so thankful for these two.

This was our view from the field where we ended up.

This corner was the only point of impact. I'm still amazed and thanking God that Jamie was okay sitting right inside this door without a seat belt.

I took this from Noah's car once we were ready to leave. This was the direction we were going, and when we stopped, we ended up facing the way we came from.

This too was taken before we left Sunday morning. My heart is full of love and gratitude for this gent.

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11

An overflow of passion (not just the conference)

God is good. All the time.

My heart is experiencing such a fullness of joy that I don't even know exactly where to begin. I guess it makes sense to pick up where I left off. 

01.06.15 
A Tuesday. This was one of the most emotionally and mentally draining days. I'm not sure why, really. I was exhausted, readjusting to school and freezing temperatures. I was thinking about every aspect of life and second-guessing my current decisions and future plans. I was beginning to wonder if being at this school was a waste of time, money, and effort. I spent a good percentage of this day in tears, another in prayer, the rest on the phone seeking wisdom from my dearest loved ones. I no longer felt an entire sense of peace. I was doubting and questioning and longing to figure out life, even though I am reminded again and again that it doesn't just become clear at once. Regardless, I wanted a step in the right direction, and I didn't want to misstep.

I'd talked with my roommate during the day about my rising stress levels over my plan of studies, I'd conversed and poured out my frustrations and confusions and second-guessing doubts to my parents and Noah and my grandma, seeking their advice, wisdom, and direction. That night I sat on a couch in a vacant dorm room down the hall, hearing my grandma ask the Question.

"Well, honey, what are your passions?"

Yikes. That's the question I've always hated. My passions?

"Um, well, that's what's been frustrating me, Grandma. I feel like I don't really have any passions."

I thought about it and explained to her that I love writing and I love people. Especially kids. So I guess if those are considered passions, it's writing and people. That's my answer. 

But I felt like that wasn't enough. I wanted something more.

I wanted a big cause or some kind of movement; something to work toward, something to support. I wanted a passion that was big and important. 

But taking this little bit that I did know, I looked at where I am. Okay, so I love people and relationships and writing. Long story short, after praying and discussing and lots of thought, I decided to walk away from my plans of a radio performance minor and into a children's ministry minor. Guess what? With that decision, my heart began to feel the peace it had been missing. 

01.14.15 
It's Wednesday night. I know the next day I'm most likely gonna have to pull an all-nighter, preparing to leave Friday morning at 3 am for the Passion Conference in Atlanta. I plan to get to bed at a decent time to get some extra sleep to make up for the inevitable lack of it over the weekend. It's already almost eleven, and just as I finish some homework and get ready to quick look over my notes for a quiz the next day, my roommate casually walks over to the futon and asks the Question. 

"Hey Rys, what are your dreams?"

Ohh boy. 

"Uhm... That's a tough question. My dreams...? It's bad, but honestly, I don't really know."

I told her what I'd told my grandma, the few things you could say I'm passionate about. "I just really love God and people, I guess. That sounds so cliche."

She posed the question again. 

"What are the desires of your heart?"

Yikes. Not having an immediate answer, I threw the question back on her.

"I dunno exactly... What about you?"

She whipped out a list and started explaining her hopes and dreams and desires to further God's kingdom, plans to rescue young girls from slavery, to bring hope to the lost, to see human trafficking come to an end. Big dreams.

And that's when it hit me.

I've been trying too hard and looking in all the wrong places. All this time I've been worried about not having something I'm passionate about. I've been turning to the internet, to already planned and set, pre-established, dreams by-the-book. In this moment, God just hit me with the force of a bus. That's not what it is to dream. It was like He just tapped me on the shoulder and said, C'mon, Rys, you know Me better than that. I'm capable of way more than you could ask or imagine. I'll give you the desires of your heart. Just dare to dream big, k? Trust Me on this."

That challenged me to dream. It also led to Hannah and me staying up till nearly 2 am talking about God and life. So much for sleep. Anyway, that night brought me one step closer to passion. One step closer to peace.

01.15.15 
It's a Thursday. One of my new friends that I met through radio shared her life story in chapel (she has an incredible story). Part of her testimony included being impacted by students and members of our campus while growing up in the local community. That stuck with me. I felt a little nudge, a little spark of passion. Hmm. Maybe I'm supposed to reach out to the community where God has me. I held on to the thought and decided to tuck it away for later.
  
01.17.15 (Part 1)
Now we're at Passion (the actual conference). It's Saturday. Lecrae is bringing it. He shares this story about tee shirt shopping in Beverly Hills (something I have no desire to do—a $640 tee shirt? Nah, I'm good). But seriously, he found this $640 tee shirt. He asked one of the workers what the deal was, if this was some sort of special fabric or something, and the guy was just like, "nope, it's just cotton... But it's the designer, the name brand... that's what makes it so valuable." Lecrae used the illustration in comparison to our value based on the fact that God is our creator, we carry His name. He went on to explain that as the moon doesn't shine on its own, but reflects the light of the sun, so we are to reflect the glory of God. There's some purpose right there. 

Then comes Christine Caine, serving a holy slap in the face that was right on target. She called us to pick up the plow and willingly get to work out in the field. She reminded us that we have a mission field wherever we are; she also said some really great thing about having a calling, not a career. If someone asks what we do for a living, the greatest answer to that question is the purpose we were placed here on this earth for—living to serve and love and to make Christ known. More purpose. My mind is starting to soften, slowly transforming. 

01.17.15 (Part 2)
It's Saturday night. Over 12,000 college students are gathered in a dimly-lit basketball arena. A circle of passionate worship leaders gather in a circle at center-stage. To begin a night of laid back, acoustic, intimate worship, they open with a hymn. Not just any hymn.

It is Well.

Yes. The song that settled my soul when I first decided to come to this school last spring. The song that again brought me peace my first weekend here in the fall, when I struggled to adjust and get used to this new home away from home. And now, the song that again settles my soul after a time of second-guessing, doubt, and God shining light and opening my eyes in new ways, opening doors and stirring the beginnings of new passions and dreams. Yes.

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say: It is well, it is well, with my soul.

01.19.15
Today. Monday. After getting to bed after 3 am, considerably lacking sleep, waking up at 8:30, I am driving back to school. With worship music in the background, I chat with God. I ask Him for more dreams, to instill within me dreams greater than anything I could ever imagine. I ask Him for a picture, an image, of what I am.

The image that pops into my head? Disco ball.

I almost laugh. What? A disco ball?

Silence. 

I ponder. Yes, a disco ball. The tiny mirrors, covering every angle of the sphere. Shining; shimmering; reflecting. Yes, always reflecting. As long as there is light, reflecting. Reflecting every shade of every color of every stream of light.

Who would have thought? A disco ball. That's not what I expected. But what better to be? Because as long as I am in the Light, I will not cease to reflect. In this moment, the desire of my heart is nothing more than to reflect every facet of Him. Every fruit, every color, every detail. Always bearing His name. Always reflecting His love, His grace, His joy. 

Always joy. That's the other thing I felt compelled to this weekend. A deep desire for joy. A longing to be filled to the top and overflowing with joy. Bubbling over with joy. Pure joy that is only found in Him. 

Do I have it all figured out? Ha! No way. It wouldn't be an adventure if I did. Nor would it require faith. But I have returned to that place of peace. Again I can say, it is well with my soul. Tonight I am thanking God for moments orchestrated by Him in ways I can't comprehend, for the refreshment of my soul, and for the dreams and passions that are only just beginning. And in this moment, that is enough. Christ is enough. It is well.

"Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

A faith leap into 2015

I've always had a hard time working my way into the new year. It's all exciting at first, with the long buildup of Christmas and parties and family and friends and New Year's celebrations. But man, I always struggle with the sudden and stark transition into January at the beginning of each year.

I have an endless list of blessings to be completely grateful for and a fresh new year on the horizon, yet here I sit, fists closed, selfishly wanting to hold on to last year and every wonderful thing about these past few weeks of heaven (aka Christmas break). At this point, several days into 2015, there's the "new year, new me" people—interested in recreating their personal image until the wonder of goal-seeking wears off; there's the people who have a quiet determination to reach high aspirations and achieve great things over the course of this next year; then there's me—the sentimentalist. 

Even at a younger age I think I had this weird appreciation for memories. I found little things in life to be important. I hated goodbyes. I was sort of a pack rat (if I had something that reminded me of a specific event or memory, I would keep it. Even if said item was a rock or a tissue. Yes, I was a weird kid). I literally would worry myself sick. I held on tightly.  

With Christmas break ending and a new year unfolding before me, I've found myself returning to the tendencies of my youth. I dread goodbyes. I worry. I over-think. I doubt. I over-analyze. I cling and hold tightly to everything that was wonderful and perfect and amazing about the past.

But God keeps gently nudging me, showing me that I need to look forward. Cherishing memories with a thankful heart is good. But I can't walk backwards into 2015. 

And that's what I've found myself doing—walking backwards, because I'm quite fond of that view and too afraid of what's ahead. Having a whole new year before me overwhelms me to some degree. I've found myself worrying about school and classes and my goals and dreams for the future, wondering if I'm even on the right path toward God's plans for me. I've begun second guessing myself, wondering what I'm doing here.  

But then I was calmly reminded that I don't need to worry or doubt or fear. I don't need to view the unknown as a burden; I need to view it as a blessing, an adventure, an opportunity. Because Christ is enough. He's holding out His hand, offering to carry me and walk me through each step. Even though I don't know what is on the horizon for me, He does. He always has. And never once has He failed me. He is calling me to trust Him, to let Him be the One Who's filling me up. And with that comes peace.

The other day, I was at a hotel that had motivational quotes and words of encouragement written across the walls of the dining area. Although quotes like these tend to be cheesy or cliche, one of them rang with some truth: "Half the things you worry about won't happen. The other half will happen anyway, so there's no point in worrying about them." I don't need to worry because I have a God Who is in control, Who loves me, Who has incredible plans for me, and Who knows what He's doing. 

As for holding on to memories and the great times of 2014, a song came to mind for my tight-fisted self. "Love You Tightly," by Sanctus Real, has been a song I loved from the moment I first heard it. It's the perfect reminder that the people, memories, and blessings we've been given don't belong to us, they are gifts from God. We go through seasons of life, some short, some long, and sometimes transitions aren't easy. But because we've been given these grace gifts, our only response should be to accept these gifts with gratitude and open hands, trusting that God will continue to provide, love, and lead us into the amazing plans He has for us, that we can't even begin to imagine.

"He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24