Let it rain

Let it rain.

At the end of the day, this is my prayer.

Have you ever had your mind so blown by God that you literally just laugh out loud in amazement? That pretty much sums me up as I sit in bed and type at two in the morning. I find it kinda amusing... Since I've been at school, I've never pulled an all-nighter for homework or classes. The few times I ever find myself still awake in the middle of the night sprouts from Jesus-happenings that rock my world. Tonight I find myself in this boat, where I am simply in awe of God and the crazy, awesome ways He works.

I'm not really sure where to begin, because this past week, a number of areas of my life have been connected and I've seen God make sense of chaos and weave a tapestry of His grace throughout every aspect of my life. It has been so insane but literally the best thing ever. 

For lack of a better starting point, I'll begin with this past weekend. I had a wilderness retreat I was required to attend for a class. 48 hours of community, hiking, zip-lining, focusing in on spiritual disciplines, and reflection. To be honest, I wasn't super looking forward to this retreat. I wasn't dreading it; but I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. But I can say this; this weekend God showed up and started picking up the pieces and putting them together, making sense of the puzzle I hadn't yet figured out. 

Before the retreat, I asked God to speak to me, challenge me, stretch me, teach me, and grow me throughout the weekend. Needless to say, He did not disappoint. 

Not only did the retreat leave me with a new understanding of Kingdom community living and a strong appreciation for new friendships, I experienced a time of refreshment and renewal I couldn't have ever fully anticipated. 

The spiritual disciplines and practical applications of each were incredibly helpful, as were the times of small group sharing and discussion, in which vulnerability proved to be powerful and I walked away with a greater appreciation for those I got to know on a deeper level. 

The time that stuck out to me the most from these sessions was a period of self-examination and confession. Through this exercise, God revealed to me areas of my life in which I'd been struggling, and the selfishness I'd let seep into my heart over time that was at the root of each of these tainted areas of my life. The light bulb flashed. The connection was made. By allowing selfishness and my own desires to control my heart and thus my actions, I let selfishness rule my relationships, my actions, and my own personal thoughts and desires. Understanding this led to a time of confession and repentance of these selfish ways and brought with it a load of peace and refreshment. 

At the end of this time, I spent some alone time with God, and kept thinking about the word renew. I wanted more, to experience something new and fresh from God; I wanted to be transformed from the selfish Maryssa who was focused on herself into the selfless, servant-hearted, precious daughter of God He created and intended for me to be. 

Before bed, I did the thing you're probably not supposed to really do, but I just opened my Bible to a random page to see what wonderful words God had for me. But I don't think it was random. Isaiah 43 stared me in the face, and the first thing I saw underlined were the words "because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." (vs. 4). God began by reminding me of how He sees me, of who I am to Him. 

My eyes drifted to the other passages of the chapter I had previously underlined... "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you" (vs. 1-2). "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" (vs. 18-19).

These verses permeated everything that my soul had been longing for. God faithfully showed me that He has greater plans to do something new, that I am called for His purpose, redeemed and loved. 

Sunday afternoon, during our last hike, I spent some time sitting on a rock, listening to a waterfall, observing the beauty of God's creation (seriously, I could sit in nature for hours. God rocks. For real, it's so freaking beautiful). As I sat there, I asked God what He wanted to show me. And immediately, he laid MVNU on my heart. I sat there thinking about how different my life would be if I wasn't at this school. There are so many friendships that I wouldn't have; so many opportunities and lessons and moments I never would have experienced. This is the place where God has shaped me and called me and led me to dream. I truly believe that life would be very different had I not chosen to come here. God has used this place to help develop and grow me into who I am, and for that I am filled with gratitude.

And this is only the beginning.

So tonight rolls around. I had slightly contemplated skipping my life group tonight but am beyond thankful I didn't. I showed up expecting to dig into the next chapter in Mark, but instead, our leaders explained God led them into Romans 5, so we jumped right in. After reading only five verses, we spent the rest of the hour discussing and sharing insights on the passage, and nuggets of truth and realizations hit me from all directions. The atmosphere was different than usual tonight. There was a new spark of excitement, brewing a hope of the goodness of God that is poured out on us through the Holy Spirit. God was present and the eagerness to grow and encourage one another was refreshing. I left the meeting feeling full of joy and anticipation. 

So flash forward a few hours and my roommate and I started chatting before bed. I shared how refreshing our life group meeting was, and she started making more connections from her week that I hadn't known to the ideas we discussed tonight. We began to pour out these overlapping themes of God's goodness and this hope we have, this joyful anticipation of all that God is about to do. And we literally laughed out loud out of pure joy at how God works. 

Tonight during life group, at the top of my journal page I wrote the word "hungry" and drew a box around it. Later, as Hannah and I sat and talked, she told me I had to listen to Bethel Music's song Spirit Move. I started playing it and was just like, wow, this is basically the anthem for everything I want in my life right now.

I looked up the lyrics and began copying them into my journal, and the joy-laughing began again as my mind was blown by the connections God was clearly making (if you haven't heard it, you absolutely must listen to it, it's that good. You can do that here). At one point in the song, it says "So like the rain come drench us in love, let Your glory rush in like a flood." Tonight at life group, one of the verses that stood out to me was Romans 5:5—hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 

This act of receiving an out-pouring of God's Spirit and love is not a new image to me, which takes the cool-factor of this whole thing even further.

So last summer, I attended a really impacting worship night. To make a long story short, God spoke to me through a friend, giving me the much needed image of Him pouring His spirit over me, watering me like a flower (conveniently, I had just been rereading my journaled thoughts and prayers from this night yesterday afternoon). Those words she spoke to me matched perfectly with the desires of my heart and what I'd been longing for in those moments (seriously, this in and of itself... how cool and awesome is God??). 

Months later, I was at school one winter day and as I got ready for bed, my roommate suddenly told me, "Oh hey, I forgot to tell you... Earlier I was praying for you and I got the word "bloom." I don't know what that means, but there you go."

It took some time, but a week or two later I had the sudden realization and made the connection to the raining down/flower-watering analogy I'd been given this past summer. God is taking me deeper in the growth process. And that realization was furthered and reinforced through this week's lessons and experiences, through life group tonight, through Jesus talks with Han, and through this song. He's continuing to pour Himself onto me every day, showering me with His love and Spirit, equipping me to become more like Him and trade the selfish old life of mine for a new, transformed, spirit of grace modeled after His love.

This repeated theme is no accident, my friends. God moves in big ways, and I have no doubt in my mind that He's on the move this very moment. In my life, on this campus, and in countless other places and people throughout the world. He is so so good. 

So tonight, at 3:30 in the morning, my prayer is this: Keep it comin', Lord. Keep it comin'. Your daughter is hungry and thirsty for more. Let it rain.

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19